Kim's Garden - A Sancutary

2009-02-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

Kim Ellis Madsen
Aug. 14th, 1958-Feb 9th, 2009

Today at 2:10 PM our Mother, Friend and Hero passed away after a prolonged battle with ovarian cancer. She is a light unto the world and an example to us all of how to live our lives. We love you and will miss you Kim.

2008-12-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

Thoughts from the Deathbed:
By Kim Madsen

Dying is HARD work!!!
Its a lot like labor in giving birth; false starts and stops and lots of waiting around. I've been at it for 5 weeks now, unbelievable!!
I have had angels helping me along the way, both here on this earth, and from Heaven. I give my heart felt thanks to each and every one of them. I have much Love shown to me by friends and family who pour out deep compassion and help - by bringing meals, cleaning the house, and making it so all that Dave has to do is occasionally clean orafices.
We love you all, we truly do. Sometimes I need peace and quiet to move further into Heaven; I'm ready to go.

[This is Elena, I've been scribing for Kim. But probably need to help fill in the picture of what's going on. This is house is an amazing place, I wish that all could see it - but it's a little much to handle sometimes too. There are MANY angels here and we can feel the good peaceful spirits they bring. Dying is such an exhausting experience for Kim. She will try to sleep, she doesn't feel too much pain - thanks to the drugs, but they definitely wear her out. Kim goes though cycles of awake and alive time where she eats, visits, laughs and gives the best advise and loving counsel to those who need it (whether they like it or not :). Then she'll get tired and zone out - drifting in and out of Heavenly stages. Sometimes closer to Heaven, than Earth. During this time she will say some pretty funny things, that don't quite make sense to those of us not coming and going on the Heavenly Elevator. Lately - you know she's tired if she starts talking in robot talk. Example: "Video, Josh HELP" translates to Josh, what help do you need to make the video.

Kim loves to eat little bites of what delicious things people have brought by. She likes sour popsicles, peach Jamba's, and has had everyone searching for "Black Jack" gum. I think who ever finds it might win a prize. She wants the flavor of black licorice without having to suffer the stuff actually coming back up. Kim can only eat so much, because it will eventually just come back up, or be VERY painful coming out. But she craves flavor - hence the new fascination with gum.

So the family close by feels very luck to be able to stop by when Kim is awake, we know that there are many friends that want to come visit as well - but we say thank you for giving us this time and still being so willing to serve and love.

One of Kim's friends, Sandra, said it perfectly I think. She said, "Thank you for letting me be a part of this; it's a sacred experience."

Saying this though - Kim really is ready to go. She has said all her good byes and is very much at peace... but she is just waiting on the Lord's time now for Him to take her. So please, pray that Kim can go soon, in peace. I know it's hard, because we love her presence here, but believe me - when it gets to the 4 word robot commands - we might all be better served to let her move on so that she can later talk to us in complete sentences.]

2008-11-12T14:09:00.001-08:00

Hello all, this is Josh writing on behalf of Kim.

I wish I could say we had something hopeful and happy to write but unfortunately it is the opposite.

Tuesday Kim was admitted into Huntsman again for pain in her abdomen. After a CT scan it was seen that tumors had formed blocking sections of her small intestines, kidneys, and urinary tract, with other tumors forming. The teams of doctors have determined that the course of action to be had at this point is pain management. The doctors have said that we are looking at weeks of life left, and at the most a month or two.

We don't know when we will get to bring her home, but until kim has strength and desire to post again we are notifying her readers to log into Josh and Elena's blog for updates.

Thank you for your prayers, your hopes, and your kindness.

2008-10-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Chrissy
I'm supposed to tell you seven weird facts about myself. I think everyone I know has been tagged by this, so I won't tag anyone new...but here are my 7 weirdnesses:

I read two or three books at the same time. This is because I usually don't put them down in places easy to find again, and while looking for it, I run across another one I put down before. Right now I am reading Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, A New Earth, and a replica copy of the Book of Mormon in first edition format, more like a novel. I thought that might be interesting and shed new light on it to read it as a "story".
I have 17 years worth of Primary music visual aids stored in the closet. This plus what I leave at the church. It's rather a sickness. I never chuck anything as I might need it again or need to repurpose it.
David and I switch sides of the bed we sleep on a couple of times a year. I'd like to say this is in lieu of flipping the mattress, but really it totally depends on which of us needs to get up more frequently in the night to pee.
I have the same amount of Primary visual aids stored digitally in my computer. I also have tons of links to blogs, websites and more that I steal ideas from. I'm not as creative as I am a good copy-cat.
I am teaching the Primary kids a song to sing at my funeral. Might seem a little odd, I know, but it comforts me, and I think gives them a chance to process watching Sister Madsen battle cancer.
I own 30 hats and 25 scarves. If you need any hat for any occasion, come check my supply. They are not in use right now, as I have my hair during this chemo, but their waiting in case they are needed again.
I have 30 hanging baskets of flowers in my yard. I also have 25 different types of rose bushes ( does there seem to be a pattern to these numbers? I actually counted the hats, scarves, baskets and roses...) and too many perennials to count. Yes, my gardening is an obsession out of control as well.

You know, I just realized why Paula gave me a pillow that reads "too much of a good thing is wonderful..." (Mae West)

2008-10-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

Everything's all right now, everything's fine...
So I have to apologize for scaring the neighbors last Friday night. Dave was cooking, dripped in the bottom of the oven, which set off the smoke alarm, which set off our fancy new alarm system, which dispatched the fire department, who came with lights and sirens blazing. My poor neighbors thought I had died or something and came running in bare feet (Thanks, Lynda, for being there for us...sorry to disturb your evening.) False alarm. All is well. The dinner was even good...it was just some splatters from squash in tinfoil. I told him to put in a pan to catch the drips. What do I know...

And the fun keeps coming. I've been having some new and disturbing symptoms since last Thursday: dizziness, shortness of breath, abdominal pain. When I reported it to my doctor yesterday, she got concerned and sent me in for a CT scan--she was worried about blood clots in my lungs. Fortunately, it didn't turn out to be that. Unfortunately, the CT scan showed new tumor growth right above my navel, about 1 inch in diameter. (I thought my belly button was getting an ever weirder shape than two major surgeries have given it.) She can't see how that tumor could be causing the symptoms, so I am tracking my food, water, activity, etc., to see if we can figure something out. Could be accumulating side-effects due to the chemo, could be the neupegen shots, could be the cancer. We just continue to wait and see. In the meantime, tap, tap, tap! My friends and I keep tap dancing and it's time to plant bulbs for next spring. (If I can bend over...)

2008-10-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Now We're Cooking with Gas...
As a matter of fact, ever since we redid the house, we have had a wonderful gas cook-top. Cooking hasn't always been my favorite thing to do, and every time I do it lately, my family asks me if I'm having a Betty Crocker fit. Note to self: You've let it go too long, Kim. You used to cook. You fed your family and baked bread and everything for years. I guess having cancer can definitely make you lazy in this department...

But I have found a couple of sites that intrigue me lately. I'm hoping they, and my two new crockpot cookbooks will inspire me to greater heights. I love great crockpot recipes. Anyone who has a favorite can share it with me! (please...) I seem to have a lot more energy in the morning and do a lot better at getting up, getting something in the crockpot for dinner and then not worrying about it as the day wears away, along with my energy.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/ This lady not only cooks great food, but takes wonderful pictures and blogs about it too.

http://web.me.com/rochelleht1/Rochelle_Tallmadge/food_storage_recipes.html is a fun link to a site where a creative cook shares her best recipes for things we usually keep around in our food storage.

http://thisweekfordinner.com/ This creative person posts a week's worth of menus, links to other sites and fun side dishes. What's not to inspire you?

I promise to reform and start cooking more. Dave will wonder what the heck happened!

2008-10-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Huck's Here!
Our newest little family member, Huckleberry David Madsen, came into the world today at 3:13 p.m. How's that for poetic...born on 10/13 at 3:13. His lucky number is destined to be 13! Josh and Elena both did wonderful at this having a baby thing. Elena was strong and brave and went through three hours of back labor in the wee hours of the morning by herself without bothering her sleeping hubby. Then he realized she wasn't in bed and got up to join her. They showed up at our house at 8:00 a.m. inviting us to go out to breakfast with them, but I was on my way to exercise and Dave was still sleeping, so we said we'd catch up with them later. By 10:00 a.m. they decided to head to the hospital with her pains coming 3 minutes apart. By 11:30 she was dilated to a 5, by 1:00 she was at a 7 and we got to the hospital around 2:00 just as she got the epidural and started loving life again. Check out Josh and Elena's blog and see all the great pictures he's put up already. Ah--the wonders of technology! Huck was 6 pounds 15 ounces and 19 and a half inches long. I personally think he looks just like my newborn picture. I'll dig one of those up and post it, to prove it to you!

2008-10-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

To tap or not to tap? Silly Question...

My friend Karen Allred recently told us about a tap class she was starting to take. Paula, LouAnn and I immediately jumped on the bandwagon and a couple of weeks later, Caitlin joined us. We have so much fun! Shuffle ball change toe heel turn! Thanks, Karen, for introducing us to this fun class! (She was out of town on a cruise the day this picture was taken.) Here Paula, me and LouAnn get ready for hoofin' it.

Caitlin and I have a ball practicing during her lunch hour during the week, catching her up since she joined class a couple of weeks later than the rest of us. Look out next family talent show!

2008-10-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Sanctuary

I love opening my gate. There is nothing like a gate to say "this is a private space, but welcome, come in." I always think of the scene from IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE where Jimmy Stewart is flirting with the girl he just met...his soon-to-be wife, over the little gate to her front yard. There is nothing like latching the gate shut to make you feel like you are home, safe, enclosed. It's sort of like a hug. I open the gate and go out, I come back and close the gate behind me. I am home. Sanctuary.

2008-09-28T08:01:00.001-07:00

My Garden

I love my garden. Take a walk in it with me...

2008-09-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

Another Death

Russ Kimber passed away last Saturday. Russ was married to Sharon Mower Madsen, my father-in-law's second wife. Dad married Sharon in 1989 and they were happily married until he passed away in 2001. Several months later, Sharon married Russ--one of Dad's dearest friends. They have been happily married for six years. My heart goes out to Sharon...she has buried three husbands. That's too much grief. I dunno, though. I guess the love is worth the grief. Russ and Sharon lived in Grouse Creek, where they are supported and cared for by so many wonderful neighbors. I think Sharon will stay there for awhile. She loves the horses, the open spaces, the people. Sharon is an angel on earth and everyone in the Madsen/Kimber family has been privileged to have her as a "mother-in-love". Rest in peace, Russ. I'm betting you and Dad Madsen are having a few good laughs and games of golf in heaven.

2008-09-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

For Rick
Our nephew, Rick Ashby Madsen, was tragically killed in a car/motorcycle accident last week. He was only 31, newly returned from eight years in the military service. His wife Claurys, had just arrived in the U.S. from the Dominican Republic. They've been married for two years and lived apart most of the time as he was flying Blackhawk helicopters for the Army. He finally is honorably discharged, she legally immigrates, they set up housekeeping, and he is killed just a few weeks later. It is painful and ironic and reminds me once again of how tenuous life it. It's always too soon, we always want more time, we never are ready to go. Tell those important to you that you love them--today. For you, Rick: God be with you, 'til we meet again.

Rick Ashby Madsen 1977 - 2008

2008-08-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday Sedative

On Sunday afternoons, the kids and grandkids come home to visit. Recently, Evie and Grandpa went upstairs to watch golf. This is how I found them a half hour later. I KNEW watching golf was completely boring. It puts even the passionate players to sleep!

2008-08-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Succulent Wild Women

The day before my birthday, August 13th, a group of my craziest friends gathered to usher my birthday in...in our birthday suits. We figured the occasion of my 50th birthday was ripe for a Succulent Wild Woman moment, so we gathered just before midnight and had a skinny dipping party...or should I say a Chunky Dunking party.

There they are...the accused crazies. It wasn't easy to keep this group quiet enough not to wake the neighbors at midnight, but we did it. Probably the most memorable moment of my birthday! Thanks, you guys for being succulent!

2008-08-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Many Thanks!

A week ago Dave threw me a Big Birthday Bash to celebrate that I was still here on my 5oth birthday. I just wanted to say thanks to all my friends, family, neighbors and loved ones who came to celebrate with me. You were all so kind to remember me and help make it a true celebration. I had a great time. The food was good, the music was excellent (Fret, Fiddle and Fife--hire them if you are doing a party, a wedding, any occasion needing good music...call me, I'll give you their contact information), and the company was superb, to say the least. I'm still getting my self organized enough to write thank you notes for all the fun remembrances and gifts people left for me.

Update in Cancer World: I couldn't have chemo this week because my blood counts had all reached critical lows--meaning my white blood cells, my red blood cells, my platelets, my hematocrit..all that stuff. I have to sit around and let my body build itself back up...which means I get two weeks in a row off. I look at it as a vacation of sorts! I have a CT scan in a couple of weeks and then we'll know what the tumors are doing in there.
I read a book by Rachel Remen called KITCHEN TABLE WISDOM. In it she said "a diagnosis is just an opinion, not a prediction." I like that. I remain open to the mystery of life and the possibility of me winning the battle against cancer. Stay tuned.

2008-08-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

Angels Sing Thee to Thy Rest

Leroy Sievers, a man I've never met, yet whom with, for three years now, I've had a daily conversation via his blog (My Cancer), died on Saturday, August 16. I sat and cried as I read his obituary online. He had an uncanny knack for putting into words the feelings of each of us dealing with cancer--The Beast he called it. I will miss his brilliant observations. Even more though, it scares me. He and I were diagnosed within a month of each other. We each received news from our doctors last fall..."six months"...He is gone now. When will it be my turn?

Leroy Sievers 1955 - 2003

2008-08-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

Life Long Lovers
We recently had a re-shoot of family photos with my niece, Bianca. She is SUCH an artist with a camera. I can't wait to get all of the pictures, but above is a taste. See all of her work on her site http://photographybybianca.blogspot.com/. I'll let you know when more of our pictures are ready, but for now, thanks, Bianca, for capturing the essence of our relationship--33 years of life and love.

2008-08-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

NORMAL!

My doctor called last night to tell me my CA-125 counts have dropped to 32--that's in the normal range. We are very jazzed about this news. It doesn't mean I can stop chemo (yuck and boo hoo), but it does mean the chemo is working to hold The Beast at bay. I'm a happy girl.

And speaking of happy...

next Thursday, August 14th, I will turn FIFTY. The big 5-0. Some might find this a depressing time, but I'm so glad to have made it to 50. Last October they told me six months. I'm on nine months now, and grateful for every day the Lord sends me. So...come and celebrate with us. Dave is throwing me a Birthday Bash. Wear your Red Hats. Join us on August 14th from 6:00 to 9:30 pm (an open house style so you can come and go if need be). I'm inviting everyone in the world who thinks they'd like to be there. If you want, bring some favorite goodie to share, but it's not necessary. Just come and say HI and celebrate! I'm still alive and kicking!

2008-07-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

I copied this from my daughter's blog. I think this may be a little more meaningful to me than to some who haven't faced their mortality yet. Here are the rules.

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Nothing too embarrassing please. :) If we're only blogging friends, write about a post that is the most memorable for you.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments. I can't wait to see what people remember.

Love to all.

2008-07-12T23:13:00.001-07:00

I had some good news yesterday from my doctor. My CA-125 counts (those little blood markers that tell them if the cancer is growing or receding) were down to 55. That's a phenomenal drop--last month they were at 153. Normal range is 20 - 35. We feel hopeful that the Gemcitabine is working it's chemo magic for now. I'm happy for every day the Lord sees fit to give me! I keep getting the weekly treatments (every Wednesday) and follow it up with two Nupegen shots spaced about two days apart. That seems to be a formula that keeps my white blood counts from bottoming out. My platelets and red blood cells are still low, which makes me feel tired, but it isn't impacting my life too negatively at this time. Still can do most everything I want--with plenty of nap and rest time factored in. The Nupegen gives me aches and pains as it kick starts my bone marrow...but gee whiz, who doesn't have aches and pains in their fifties? Yikes I can't belive that's staring me in the face...but happily so. I will turn 50 on August 14. Be prepared for the birthday bash of all time! I MADE IT TO 50! WHOOPEE!

2008-07-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for awhile--life gets wonderfully lazy in the summer! I spend my days teaching water aerobics, puttering in my garden, taking the grandkids swimming. Not too long ago we had a fun family photo shoot with Bianca, my talented niece by marriage. Here's just one sample of her wonderful work:

You should check out her site Photography by Bianca
for more of her work and to schedule a shoot with her if she has the time!

At the end of June Our good friends Jessica and Goi visited from Hong Kong. It was so good to seem them. We had a fun family barbeque and Jessica and Goi got to see all the cousins and how grown they all are. Love you Jessica and Goi!

We had a wonderful 4th of July with family coming over for swimming and food. It was 102--so hot! We slept out with Evie and Jacob under the stars. Tiffany and Steven came down from Rexburg and joined us, which was nice since Josh and Elena and Caite and Patrick went to Bear Lake for the weekend. We missed them, but are sure they had fun too...if they didn't get too sunburned!

More neices and nephews married soon: Seth and Amy get married this coming Friday (July 11th) and then just a few weeks and two more weddings in that Ellis family. Kira and Spencer on July 31, then Cecily and Justin on August 2. What a month for the Ellis family...we're all scrambling to stay caught up with them. congratulations to them all--celebrate the LOVE!

Cancer update: still getting weekly chemo, three weeks on, one week off. I get tests done on July 9th, so we'll know if it's working or not. In the meantime, I don't feel too badly from the chemo and am able to do most all I want.

Dave and Josh WON THE GRAND PRIZE Father's Day Essay contest from the Golf Channel. They leave July 18th for St. Andrews in Scotland. I'm sure we'll have some pictures when they return. Thanks to all who voted for them. They are so EXCITED, it's hard to contain them.

My advice to you all--grab life and live it everyday. Appreciate the blue skies, bird songs, and fluffy clouds of summer. Slow down. Read a good book. Have lunch with a friend.

2008-06-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of buzz around our house since yesterday with the Golf Channel Essay contest. It's opened for voting. See the essay and video on-line by going to Father's Day Finalists and VOTE once a day!

You'll need to register to vote. They ask for your name, phone, address and email address. This is control the amount of votes one person can do a day. To make up for the inconvenience, they enter each person voting in a secondary contest for gift certificates, golf balls, etc. Hope you'll go vote for Josh--I really want to send him and his Dad to Scotland! You'll have to see the video to see me sink a 15 foot putt while wearing a church dress. You'll see it surprised us all!

One of the local papers, The Deseret News, ran a big article on Josh and Dave and the contest.
If you go to Dad's Life Lesson a Winner you can read the article, leave a comment and see an audio slide show.

Thanks to everyone for their love and support during this exciting opportunity! It's been fun, no matter what happens!

2008-06-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

I started a new chemo regime yesterday. The doctor said the Doxcil wasn't working (however, my CA-125 count came back down to 157, after it hit 177 last month). Now I am on Gemcitabine (say it gem-sight-a-bean). It can make me nauseous, have brittle and thinning hair, and cause my white and red blood cell counts to go haywire making me very prone to infection. It can also cause you to have flu like symptoms, aching and chills. It's been 24 hours since I got it. Yesterday I was pretty tired, but today I'm doing better. I cleaned my house, did my mom's hair for her, went to lunch with her at Chili's and worked in the garden this afternoon. The day started rainy and gloomy, but it's cleared up this afternoon. The water is wonderful for the garden, so I won't complain too much.

At Chili's the waitress told us our favorite dish Grilled Caribbean Salad is being taken off the menu in two weeks. I am so sad. It's one of the few things I crave often. Dave and I get it take out every couple of weeks and Mom and I split one whenever we go to lunch there. Sigh. The waitress says it's because it doesn't sell well in other areas but in Centerville it sells very well. Go figure. That's a chain for you...forcing everyone to conform to some average for the country. If you like the Grilled Caribbean Salad like we do, better go order some quick before it's gone forever! _

2008-05-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

So Josh, my son, got some amazing news this week. In April, Dave told him he ought to enter this little essay contest about “Things My Father Taught Me on the Golf Course” for a Father’s Day Dream Vacation sponsored by the Golf Channel. There were over 27,000 entries. On Thursday they called him and told him he was one of the five national finalists! That means he and Dave are going to the US Open in Torrey Pines, San Diego in June (I think it’s from the 12 – 16 or something). They will be feted and seated with all the VIP’s (like Tiger Woods’ family, etc) during the five days of the Open, all transportation, meals, accommodations. Josh also wins a $1,000 set of Taylormade Aidas golf clubs, $1000 shopping spree at Dick’s Sporting Goods, and a year’s supply of golf balls. (Dave said that could be a 18-wheeler full, given the way Josh golfs.) The prize package is worth over $7000. The Golf Channel is coming to our house to film us for the TV.

Then on June 9th, the finalists will be announced on the Golf Channel and voting will begin nationwide. The final section is judged partly on popular vote and partly by judges. You can go online and read his essay and vote for it starting June 9th. Tell everyone you know at your office, etc.! If they win, they will get to go on a golf vacation to Scotland, to St. Andrew’s Golf Course, the birthplace of the sport. There will be a $5000 set of Taylormade golf clubs (bet Josh gives Dave the $1000 one and keep the $5000 one…what do you think?) a $5000 shopping spree at Dick’s Sporting Goods, $15,000 cash. I think that prize package is worth $40,000. Amazing eh??? Dave and Josh are pretty excited, as you can imagine.

Read Josh's essay and vote on June 9th!

2008-05-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

CA-125 news - not good

Doctor Werner called me just now to let me know my CA-125 count had risen to 177. It was 95 in March, 102 in April, and now 177 in May. This, coupled with the slight growth on my scans is telling her the Doxcil treatment isn't working. We have to discuss a new chemo regime. It tells me we are one step further along the Death March road.

She is talking about a couple of experimental things. The first is a regime of Taxotere (which I had back in 2005) and Yondelis. Yondelis is a new concoction made from marine creatures. It's a clinical trial for recurrent ovarian cancer, so Dr. Werner will have to make sure I meet all criteria before we know if I can do it. It will cause hair loss and it takes 5 hours to get the chemo, once every three weeks.

The next option is to add Avastin to Gemcitibine. Avastin prevents new blood vessels from forming, thus starving cancer cells which need lots of blood to grow. Gemcitibine does not cause hair loss, but radically affects white blood cell counts making you really prone to infections. We will have to clear Avastin with my insurance company since it's not FDA approved for use in ovarian cancer. I despise the FDA regulations.

If I can't have Avastin, we'll just go with Gemcitibine. If it doesn't work we'll switch to Topotecan. Given that I got four months with Doxcil, if I can average four to six month on each of the other drugs, then maybe I'll make it to when they come out with the new nano-technology for drug delivery.

So the update isn't good news, but hey, we knew last October these days were coming. I've been in my yard planting ipomea seeds (real Morning Glory, not that stuff people call morning glory but is really bind weed.) I think there is no greater show of faith that I'll continue to be here than to work in my garden, plant things and wait for them to grow. I'm going back out to plant some more. Stop by and sit on my porch sometime with me. It's a lovely place of peace.

2008-05-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

A Cancer Update

This week was a chemo week and a CT scan week to look inside and see what the little rogue cells are up to. I haven't had a scan since December. The tumor they saw in the spleen in December is gone. That's the good news. The tumor in the kidney is about two millimeters bigger which isn't such good news, but it's sort of a wash as it is so slow growing. Really not a big deal. I have more lesions on my peritoneal lining, which is the bad news. On the whole, my doctor thinks I am holding steady. I am ecstatic about this, as last October they told me six months to live. I'm now in the 7th month since that prognosis, and am holding steady with a not too impugned quality of life. Score Cancer: 11 (a combined number of surgeries and chemo regimes), Kim: at least 12, because I'm Fighting It off so far. I can just hear the crowd roar: "Defense!" Stomp-stomp! "Defense!!" Clap-clap!

What score would you give me for that feat? Do you think I deserve more than a 12?

My doctor wants to see my CA-125 results to see if they are going up or down. If they go up, I'll have to concede Cancer another point. I should know them sometime tomorrow. I'll update you then.

In the meantime, I have to tell you my spleen miracle. When they told me in December it had metastasized to my spleen, I went home and did Internet research on what cancer in the spleen does to you (of course). I was upset to learn it would probably make me grow a beard and maybe get a deep voice, due to raging out-of-whack hormones that are usually regulated by the spleen. "Great," I thought, "I could go bald because of chemo and then grow a beard. I'll really look like a freak." So that night I prayed mightily in an anguished, probably irreverent and complaining way. "C'mon, isn't this adding insult to injury? Do I have to grow a beard on top of everything else?" Then I forgot about it, because I have learned "thy will be done" in an up close and personal way. And here we are at the next CT scan, spleen tumor gone. I think God was willing to make a trade off for me...got a few more peritoneal lining tumors, and a slight growth in the kidney tumor, but the spleen one went away. My personal answer to prayers and the miracle of this quarter. Tonight I am praying in mighty thanks. And I thank all of you who continue to pray for me. I believe in the power of prayer.

2008-04-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

I've been "tagged" by Bianca. This one looked like an interesting one (I'm usually too lazy to do these.) So here are my answers:

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TOGETHER? 32 years on September 5 2007...headed towards 33.
HOW LONG DID YOU DATE? 10 days before we got engaged. Met on a blind date. Scary, eh?
WHO EATS MORE? Of what? Dave eats more meat. I eat more ice cream.
WHO SAID "I LOVE YOU" FIRST? Do you think I can really remember after 32 years and chemo?
WHO IS TALLER? Dave. By five inches. And he's not tall. OK we are the short family.
WHO HAS MORE SPEEDING TICKETS? We're probably tied on this. Dave deserved more than he got...but ex-cops know people.
WHO IS SMARTER? Dave is smarter with numbers, Kim is smarter with words (okay punctuation.)
WHO IS MORE SENSITIVE? Lemme see...Dave is the one who used to have tizzies when his siblings would call him Davey-flower. Kim cries at TV commercials. Dave says he cries whenever a gnat farts. So there you go. We're both sensitive.
WHO DOES THE LAUNDRY? Kim. But she is teaching Dave how to sort clothes and use the washer. You never think you need this skill until you are facing the death of your wife and you realize you may never have clean underwear again.
WHO DOES THE DISHES? Whoever happens to get sick of dishes in the sink first. This isn't a big issue at our house. Someone is always doing them.
WHO IS MORE ROMANTIC? Kim likes watching romance movies more than Dave does, but what could be more romantic than rubbing your wife's nueropathy-ridden feet for hours on end each night? The definition of romance changes when you're dealing with cancer.
WHO SLEEPS ON THE RIGHT? Dave usually does, but it's the closer side to the bathroom, so when we are in post-surgery, Kim usually does.
WHO PAYS THE BILLS? Kim. This is another thing she's been showing Dave the ropes of...not that he doesn't know how to pay bills, but which ones are on auto-pay and how to pay them online with bill pay and how to save the receipts and file them...that was all Kim's system.
WHO MOWS THE LAWN? What lawn? We have no lawn. When we did have lawn it was usually Kim and then Josh when he got old enough but for 10 years know we've only had flower beds, paths, ponds and decks. Dave builds things, but if it's living in the yard, Kim cares for it. Come to think of it, I better teach Dave about that too...
WHO COOKS DINNER? Mostly Dave who is a better cook than Kim. We are in the make whatever whenever you're hungry phase of life mingled with a lot of eating out.
WHO IS MESSIER? After 32 years we're about the same in this regard. We're both pretty tidy. (Note to self: teach Dave to clean the bathroom.)
WHO DRIVES WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER? Dave. Better question is "who drives the new car?" That would also be Dave. Not that I'm bitter or anything, or that I haven't repeatedly pointed out that I'll be dead soon and then he gets it all to himself, but noooo....
WHO IS MORE STUBBORN? Definitely Dave, which is why he is driving the new car.
WHO IS FUNNIER? Also Definitely Dave. I try to out macabre him by making comments about me dying, but he always gets me back.
WHO KISSED WHOM FIRST? Dave kissed Kim so long that she couldn't breathe because her nose was stuffy and she almost passed out. It was on our first date too.
WHO ASKED WHO OUT FIRST? Blind date on which Kim was threatened if she actually told Dave how old she was (16). She had just graduated from high school. By the end of the evening she finally fessed up and Dave left quickly. He vowed she was just too young, but he was back the next day and the next and 10 days later asked her father's permission to marry her.
WHO PROPOSED? Dave asked her parents and after they gave their permission, as Dave and Kim were leaving to go tell his family, Kim said "don't you think you ought to ask me if I want to marry you?" It was a total afterthought for Dave. He figured if he got past the Parent Gauntlet he was home free. He was right. His response to Kim was "oh, I guess I should. So do you want to marry me?" She said YES. They were married 3 months later. (She was 17 by two weeks at the time of the wedding.)

This is why I have to keep my mouth shut when discussion goes to "oh they are too young" or "they don't know each other well enough". It worked for us!

2008-04-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the new Mr. and Mrs. Miller. Steven and Tiffany had a beautiful wedding day on April 12th. The Utah wedding dinner, and yesterday, the Denver event, both were beautiful. They are now headed home to Rexburg to start their happily ever after. My sister, Kamra, and I had this fun picture taken by wedding photographer while we were on temple square.

This past Monday, Dave and I took the grandkids and Chrissy to the zoo.
It was a grand day!

2008-04-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those schizo weather weeks--one day warm enough for Dave to go golfing and Evie and I to swing out on the porch swing, the next day snow and sleet, lots of cool cloudy days in between. The best day was Friday, however, when my kind sister-in-law, Donna, and my good friend, Paula, organized 9 of my other friends into a work crew to tear through my yard and get it ready for spring.

We worked from 8:30 am to 1:30 pm, with a lunch break provided by Jenette, another dear friend. Pizza and salad on the patio, yummm. I really enjoyed it all--the camaraderie, the food, the pleasant spring weather, and best of all...getting my yard cleaned up and in shape for the growing season before I start chemo again on Tuesday. What can I say by my THANKS! I feel loved.

Had a lot of family coming and going for the weekend with conference and preparations for Tiffany's (my niece) wedding. It's less than a week away! And tonight another niece, Cecily, announced her engagement. She and Justin will wed on August 2nd. Kira, (another niece) and Cecily's sister will get married at the end of July. I think their brother, Seth, is in the mix too for this summer...somewhere in July as well, I believe...but I haven't been given a firm date yet on that one.

Whew, four weddings, two missionary farewells and two babies in the family this summer and fall. I hope I won't be adding "...and a funeral" to the mix!

2008-03-30T22:39:00.001-07:00

We only have one more performance of Big River. It's been an amazing experience. I've been so grateful for the venue to pursue this passion, for the time with family on this project, for the audiences that have seen it and commented so favorably.

My doctor stopped my chemo for the month of March. The mucousitis went away, my skin healed, and for most of the time I've felt pretty normal again. I have my bouts of tiredness, heartburn, etc., but it's few and far between. I start chemo again on April 8. They are going to try a 20% dose reduction and see if I tolerate it better. It's always the balancing act between the disease and the "cure" when dealing with cancer.

Dave and I bought a new car Friday. After fifteen years of faithful service, we retired our mini-van and got a white Prius hybrid. We feel so environmentally concious driving around in our "green" vehicle. We are quite mesmerized by the dashboard screen that shows all the info--whether power is going to or from the battery, whether you are running gas or electric, what the gas mileage is, etc. etc. etc. I wonder if they have stats on Prius owners getting in accidents because they watch their little screens too much.

The spring bulbs are starting to bloom in my garden. I've been working out there as weather and energy permit. I'm slowly making my was around the yard trimming and raking up winter debris. The siberian squill, daffodils, crocus, and grape hyacinth are all popping open. It's only blues and yellows right now, but soon the tulips will add their pinks, reds and apricots to the mix. I love the spring. It's a daily testament to life renewing. I know my life will not be over when the cancer takes my mortal body. I'll live again, just like the daffodils in the spring.

2008-02-26T09:12:00.000-08:00

A little while ago, Evie, Jacob, Chrissy and I went to Discovery Gateway to see the Sesame Street Presents the Body exhibit. This is Jacob trying to figure out why Oscar the Grouch won't come out of his trash can.

We are almost ready to open our show, Big River. I feel very good about where it is, both as an actress in the show and as a member of the production staff. We are ready. It will be a fine piece of theater, and I hope you all come and see it! The best part is, we survived the process!

Josh's set is really amazing, carved trees from huge blocks of foam. It feels like you're on a ride in Disneyland when you first sit down...all the detail and atmosphere. I continually amazed and impressed at his talents.

This would all be so enjoyable if I weren't in such stinkin' pain from the dang muscousitis (inflammation of all the mucous membranes in my body) caused by chemo. I keep popping IB800's and gargling with Magic Mouthwash trying to ignore it. It helps to be busy focusing on the show and not laying around thinking "ouch" all the time. I am very hungry though and eating is torture. Guess I'm on a new diet, after all.

2008-02-19T08:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted. We've been really busy with rehearsals five days a week for BIG RIVER at Rodgers Memorial Theatre in Centerville. We're two weeks away from opening, so it's going to get even busier, then it will calm down. Everyone around me has been sick with upper respiratory stuff and some gastroenteritis stuff. So far, it's missed me...maybe the germs can't live in the toxic chemical field that chemo creates in my body. I do have to go get a throat culture today to see if this sore throat I have is due to chemo or if I'm finally getting it. Good health to all of you!

2008-01-24T10:15:00.001-08:00

Caite and Patrick are now Mr. and Mrs. States! I had to wait a bit before I posted to get their pictures from the photographer and to recuperate.

It was a wonderful day, January 2, 2008, following on the hectic heels of the holidays. I was blessed to feel absolutely normal--no cancer symptoms, no chemo side-effects--we had a beautiful day with family and friends...well, see for yourself...everyone was glowing!

2008-01-24T10:15:00.000-08:00

Patrick and Caitlin's Wedding!

2008-01-24T10:14:00.001-08:00

Our Caribbean Cruise!

2007-12-02T05:50:00.001-08:00

2007-12-02T05:32:00.000-08:00

Dave and I went on a FANTASTIC vacation November 9 - 18. We went on a eastern Caribbean cruise. It was a gift to us last Christmas from the wonderful people I work for at Orbit Irrigation. We has so much fun and made so many memories. It took me nearly a year to get better from cancer go-round #2 to be well enough to go, but we made it.

We met Vern and Linda, John and Donna our excellent dinner companions, Betty from Maine who we helped into the ocean at Grand Turk, who called us her angels. We passed a lovely afternoon swimming with Betty in the Caribbean Sea and learning about Maine. Vern and Linda were from Cape Cod, and John and Donna were from the Chicago area. What fun to meet new people from all over.

We shopped (Dave bought me a blue diamond ring), won a kising contest at Margaritaville in Grand Turk, for which the prize was two free drinks. You should have seen the bar tender when we asked for virgins. He made us daquiris instead of margaritas. We ate LOTS of good food, but on a happy note, I only gained 3 ounces on the cruise. I don't know about Dave...I don't think he officialy weighed in or out.

Thanks so much to Orbit for giving us this experience. Now that we are fighting cancer go-round #3, and the doctors are saying the outlook is somewhere between six months and a year, I can't tell you have thankful I am that I was well enough to go, that we had the opportunity, and that we got to experience first hand an amazing part of the beauty of this world God created for us. When I see Him, I'm telling him THANK YOU, up close and personal.

2007-09-19T21:45:00.001-07:00

Here's my baby, Caitlin. I can't believe she's going to be a blushing bride in a few months. We've had fun shopping for wedding dresses. This was the winner!

We tried on many dresses before we found "the one". It was actually a lot of work getting in and out of the lace, frills, lace-up backs, tight zippers and all. But when she tried on the right one, she knew it. "I never thought I'd pick a cupcake dress," she said--her name for full-skirted, beaded and bedecked creations. But it did look perfect on her. Here are some of the also rans and a couple of detail shots of the final choice.

2007-09-16T21:55:00.001-07:00

My friend Sandra took me to Thanksgiving Point last May, to help stave off the chemo doldrums, It worked!

2007-08-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

In a few more minutes it will be my birthday--August 14. I am so grateful to be another year older. Might sound weird, since I will turn 49 in ten minutes, and as we push the 50 threshold we tend to go into deep denial. But stay with me, and I'll tell you why.

Last August, Caitlin and I went to London and Paris to celebrate her graduation from high school. On August 1, my new granddaughter, Genevieve was born, and on the 2nd,we took off for parts unknown. It was a glorious 12 day trip, thanks to the kindness of my Dear Hubby, David. This was on top of the flood disaster last reported on this blog.

So we have this amazing trip, come home, and it's time for those wonderful quarterly tests that those of us who live in Cancer World have as part of our lives. This time the news wasn't good. The ovarian cancer was back metastized to the bowels, appendix, peritoneal lining. thanks to the kindness of my wonderful friends and neighbors, we moved back into our remodeled home just before Halloween. On November 13 I went in for more surgery. It was a biggie. Twelve days of hospitalization and dragging around the IV trying to begin recuperation. I finally came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving Day. Here are my brothers and sisters and spouses in my front yard on that day. If I look a little drugged, it's because I WAS!--but we had a lot to be thankful for.

I kept on recuperating through the holidays, then starting in January went through six courses of IP chemotherapy every three weeks. It was cistplatin and taxol delivered through an IP port in my abdomen, followed the next week by taxol only through a port in my chest. My worst day on my first go round with chemo in 2005 was 10 times better than my best day on this. For the next six months life consisted of puking, trying to drink enough water, going to the hospital for blood transfusions. After the fourth IP infusion, my kidneys shut down and I had to be hospitalized for that. I had to finish the chemo through the chest port only. So it's been two and half months since my last chemo. My hair is starting to come back. I can eat again...although it was a lousy diet, I didn't mind losing 45 pounds because of the chemo. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, though.

This is how I got to know my new granddaughter, Evie. I was too sick and weak to hold her most of the time, so we'd put her by me on the bed. This shot was taken in February, after two chemo rounds.

In April, my family and friends supported me in raising money to donate to Huntsman Cancer Hospital through a program called Hometown Heros. We raised $4000 as a team of eight. We walked a 5K on a cold Saturday morning...well OK, my team walked. I was pushed in a wheelchair. Not a bad ride, and I didn't throw up once on the route. It was exhilarating to be cheered across the finish line by those lining the route.

By May my hair was gone, but I had eyebrows left. Being too sick to work in my own garden, friends would rejuvenate my spirit by taking me on outings to public gardens. This was taken at Thanksgiving Point when my good friend Sandra took me for a tulip outing.

So there you have it--why I am happy to be 49. It means I'm still here...and I'm grateful to be getting my hair back and slowly getting back to normal. My friends and family have stood by my side through it all--from Dave who was with me every minute of every hospital stay, my sisters who traveled to be by my bedside and clean up after my puke, not to mention cleaning my house, my kids who were just always there, my mom and her husband, Jerry who worked in my yard doing spring clean-up, brought me gifts large and small, and friends and neighbors who showed up with food, flowers, books, gifts of time and labor. One dear friend, Paula, has come every weekday morning all summer long and pulled weeds and dead-headed flowers--it's due to her diligence that my garden looks as good s it does this year. I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Happy birthday to me.

2006-06-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

You can see I wasn't true to my word regarding posting pictures on Saturdays...but a few weeks later, here is a shot of the red and white petunia tubs on the front porch and over the arbor.

It's a good thing they bring me so much joy to look at, because we've endured a disaster recently. DH and I decided the time was overdue to replace the aging shingles on our home. We couldn't afford to have a roofer do it, and besides, DH is loath to pay for what he can do himself. He spent two grueling weeks stripping the roof to the bare wood. Now remember, we live in a desert here in Utah. We waited until the weather had turned consistently warm, but hopefully not blisteringly hot, so DH could survive the days working on the roof. The materials to dry it in (tarpaper, ice shield) and the shingles were due to arrive Friday morning. Thursday night it started to rain.

It wasn't any little afternoon thundershower like we so often get. This was freak monsoon rain sucked up from Mexico. We discovered that it rains inside the house when there are no shingles on the roof. Here are a couple of shots of what our house looks like now--after the disaster clean-up people came and dried it out. This is the kitchen and family rooms:

Every room looks something like this. DH calls it the Swiss Cheese Effect. I have a sign that used to sit on the sideboard saying "My house may be a mess, but you should see my garden." It's more true than ever now. I'll try to keep up with the garden shots of my baskets as we deal with putting the inside back together. You'll have to forgive me if I neglect my blogging.

2006-05-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Disappearing Blogger

It's not hard to fathom why I haven't written for nearly a month. It's May--following close up the heels of April and finally the weather allowed the planting and rearranging to begin. In went the peas and strawberries. Ten hanging baskets of petunias, lobelia and vebena were potted up to hang along the back fence. Eight more metal tubs filled with red and white petunias were hung under eaves of the front porch. I still have ten baskets to put on the archways of the two front gates that will eventually form an arch of flowers over each gate.

Petunias. I've long scoffed at their cliche and commonness. But they grow so faithfully, attracting hummingbirds and sphinx moths. I've given up the exotic for the tried and true--at least in my hanging baskets. I use a specially designed hanging basket with octagonal openings all along the sides, called Bloom Masters. I've found that in a few weeks time, the 2" seedlings I plant form a ball of flowers, completely hiding the container. Halfway through the summer they trail lush ropes of flowers 3 feet long or more. I'm going to post a picture each week so you can track the progress with me. Look for it on Saturdays.

2006-04-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

At last! A day of sunshine on a weekend! Small blessings. On top of that, DH promised me he would spend the day with me in the garden, pruning, chipping and shredding and moving compost around...all of those heavy work jobs that are so much harder for me since the cancer.

We were in the garden by 7:30 AM and I tried to be sensitive to the fact that for him it was just hard labor, not a labor of love or passion. He quit the first time at about 1:00 PM, saying that the compost all over his arms and hair was making him itch. It's a fall-out of running the chipper-shredder. So he went in to shower. A while later, he joined me again--I know it was his secret hope that if he quit, I'd quit too, but he didn't say anything, to his credit. And I didn't quit. I am sure he doesn't think that's to my credit.

But it was still a warm spring day, many hours of daylight left and more to prune. I can't stop while there's light in the sky and breath in my body. He came back out when I got to some large rose branches I couldn't prune out. Then without my asking, he kindly chipped the next huge pile I had assembled while he was in the house. After that pile he hit the shower again. I kept pruning. He joined me one more time at about 4 PM when I got to the last climbing rose and had to prune out a 7 year old cane.

Poor guy--he's not used to the War of the Roses, and was pricked, scratched, poked, and stabbed. He lamented a lot about his scrapes. I commiserated with him and pointed out that's why I wear long sleeves and elbow length pruning gloves. I must remind myself that he's a total novice at working with the roses, so it's quite a shock to him, I'm sure. (I might also add that I've been pruning and tying up our 26 rose bushes scattered throughout the gardens for more than seven years by myself. )

I really do appreciate his help, although by 5:00 PM he told me "that's it, I'm done." I kept going until 7:30 PM. Finally, the mosquitoes drove me inside. I ask myself "why does the garden energize me so?" It seems to kill others off. I don't get it. But at least now, when he heads off to the golf course on a Saturday and says "have fun" to me as I head into the garden, I can gently remind him of how much work my kind of fun is. It's not that I mind it, it's just I want to be validated...and helped now and again.

2006-03-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

It drizzled sleet all weekend. Not strong enough to be snow, but too thick for rain, it's been a continual gray curtain for two days. If you could stay curled by the fire with a good book, it wouldn't seem so onerous, perhaps. But I had to accomplish some rearranging of rooms and organization of my office. DH rose admirably to the occasion, though I know he hates these sudden projects being sprung upon him. I started taking all the books off the shelves in my office. He asked, "What are you doing?" I told him I was planning on moving the bookshelves from my office to the front bedroom, recently vacated by my married daughter and her little family. I'm turning it into a library-guestroom-play-TigerWoods-golf-on-the-X-box room. Right now my office, the guest room and the front room are in disarray as I move things from one to the other. DH installed another desktop (a counter top piece) in my office to complete a U-shape around the room. It wasn't easy. We couldn't get a piece from the factory that had 45-degree angles on both ends, so he cut it himself. Took some sanding and finessing to get it right...not perfect joins, but very close. I can live with that. At least I have a lot of space on which to spread my scrapbook projects out...and I can leave them in partially finished states without disrupting the flow of the rest of the household. I've got the room about 70% sorted and organized and I've been working on it for four hours. But when it's done, I'll be able to share my scrapbooking / office space with Chrissy. As it is, only one of us can work in here at a time.

I even think I'll have room in the corner for the overstuffed chair I fantasize about, with a reading light and a window to gaze out. That will be a good day.

2006-03-17T05:59:00.000-08:00

It snowed 13 inches Tuesday morning. Gack. I hurt my shoulder over the weekend and so can do very little. Shoveling the wet mess was left to DH, who did it with grace and no grumbling. Of course this means that the crocus, daffodils and other brave flowers just beginning to show their colors are now mashed to the ground under the load of snow. It's always inspiring to see how quickly they regain their composure after being dumped on and flattened into the mud. Wish I could learn to do the same. It is supposed to snow over the weekend again.

2006-03-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

Spring is teasing us in Utah. One day it will be 60 degrees and the next it snows. The sunny days are all during the work week and the storms seem to fall on the weekends. It's painful for a gardener who also works full time. In fact, not able to stand it a moment longer, I spent a few hours this afternoon puttering in my garden. It took until late Sunday afternoon for the temperatures to climb back to 50 degrees.

I was suduced, as I so often am. I noticed ten or so bright yellow crocuses near the driveway, fighting their way through a mat of dead alyssum. I stooped to clear the alyssum away, got tangled in a pansy and noticed a sprig of lamb's ear that sowed itself in an entirely inappropriate place. So I cut back the pansy, pulled out the lambs ear along with dead the alyssum and stooped closer trying to remember what the small-leafed perennial was I planted beneath the America rose. A pile of dead foliage was forming on the driveway, so of course I had to go find my yard cart--back behind the compost pile. I piled the leaves and tangles of dead perennials in the cart. But wait--a little more raking back of dead leaves and the yellow-gold striped blades of "Harkonen" grass can catch the light.

Then suddenly, two hours had gone by and I had pruned back two of my eight climbing roses and cleaned up two of the entry way beds by my front gate. My back hurts a little and when I think of the rest of the garden that needs attention I feel overwhelmed--yet somehow strangely peaceful with the smell of dirt in my nostrils. Spring is here in all her fickleness.

The weatherman says four storms in the next fourteen days, and if it holds true to the recent pattern, they'll fall on the weekends. So I'll keep on, squeezing some puttering time in the cracks of sunshine.

2006-02-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

Hair.

Ever since my hair grew back from the chemo baldness, it's soft and dark, a newness not yet turned coarse by sun and wind and life. I often run my fingers through it and ponder how the barren landscape of my scalp has so quickly been cloaked by hair again. Hair must be nothing but a common weed to grow so unabashedly. Like gardeners battling bindweed, we pluck it from our eyebrows, from the earlobes of our 52 year old spouses, from our upper lips and chins. There is something obscenely old about a hair sprouting from body parts that never saw hair before. But I am thankful for it. There is something even more obscene about looking at yourself in a mirror and not finding one hair on your naked body. You don't know how much you love your hair until it's not there. The picture of Jacob and I was taken in August just a couple of weeks after my last chemo treatment.

The bright side. My daughter put water based tattoos of roses on my scalp. I never had to shave my armpits or legs or worry about errant hairs while in a swimsuit. I pretended to be a Trill. I wore scarves and hats and got ready to go anywhere in under 10 minutes. People stopped me in Park City when it was only a quarter inch long all over and complemented my fashion sense and radical hairdo. I really can't decide if life is better with it or without. Hair.

This second picture was taken towards the end of October 2005. Only about 8 weeks after the bald me. And I even have eyebrows and eyelashes again. The human body is amazingly resilient. And I did too look like Uncle Fester.

2006-02-08T05:48:00.000-08:00

Today is February 8, 2006. A Wednesday. I am recovered from last November's hernia repair surgery. I can do all my normal ab exercises, yoga...everything. Yet I have a nagging worry in the back of my mind. I hate not knowing whether it's founded in reality or I'm just being a hypochondriac. My body doesn't feel like the me I know. I've gained 40 pounds since the onset of cancer a year ago. Everyone else I know seems to lose weight with cancer...me I gained. I continued my workouts the entire time I was going through chemo, my eating habits haven't changed. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have to finally get much more strict with myself.

Yet I have these episodes of heartburn, of urping surprise mini-vomit into the back of my throat. At times I feel bloated and gassy. Is this because of my added weight, or is the cancer returning? My doctor tells me these are things to report. But in January I had two different doctor visits, bloodwork, an internal pelvic exam, and they tell me all is well. My CA-125 levels are at 20 and have been stable since last August. If I try to speak of this to anyone (family, friends) they tell me I need to be positive and not dwell on the statistics of ovarian cancer recurrence rates. I think it bothers them to talk about it.

Two nights ago I told DH that I thought it was important that we redo our roof (has a leak), take care of big projects and pay off all debt as fast as possible--while I am still employed and we have two incomes. He did not like the conversation I could tell, but he listened. Then he asked me if I was worried I was dying. I said "not worried, really, but the reality of the prospects have to be faced. There's more than a 60% chance I won't be here in five years." This is not a thing anyone likes to talk about. Mom is going about normal life, goes to work, works in the garden, teaches exercise class, does everything she always does...so all is well. I hope so, but still, I wonder at times.

Spring is fast approaching. It's been a very mild winter. DH golfed on December 23rd. That is really weird for Utah. There is no snow covering the chaos of decaying plant matter from last season. I keep telling myself it's good for my perennials, that it's good for reseeding, that it's good for the birds. It certainly isn't tidy looking though, and all my neighbors have these sterile, clean looking winter yards with frost defining every trimmed grass blade. Mine is a riot of stem, curled brown leaf and seed. I find beauty in that too. The picture is of star zinna seed heads cozying up to a red sandstone in my front garden. The saying on the stone "Don't tell your God how big your storms are, tell your storms how big your God is."

Waning

2005-11-19T02:33:00.000-08:00

Life Snip

It is now November 19, 2005. Another season wanes. In this Utah desert “blossoming like a rose” things are still growing, but slowly. Since October I have done nothing, absolutely nothing in my garden. I feel sad about this as I wander the pathways, seeing overgrown plants flop this way and that, unkempt, like a bunch of drunken sailors. There is a reason for this lack of care in my garden. I’ve been struggling with the discovery of another lump in my lower abdomen. Since a diagnosis of ovarian cancer last February, a lump is a major call for alarm.

So September and October were spent squeezing doctor visits around work schedules, as I was gearing up for a major event the first week of November which necessitated 12 plus hour work days for two weeks. “Just a hernia,” the doctor said. No reason for fear—often happens after a major surgery like I endured last January. But tests, just to be sure. Then blood in the stools one weekend and a colonoscopy and more surgery—but the news is good. It was just a hernia. They opened me and poked around for a visual confirmation of what the tests showed—no cancer. Now I’ve been taped up from the inside out, sealed with staples on the final layer of flesh and laid out in my bed to heal. I roll slowly to my side, like a floundering whale. The incision bites and stings.

I wander my garden paths unable to make order from the chaos, unable to bend, squat, reach, stretch. The earth is forgiving though. She swallows the seeds spilled from the dying season. Next spring she will unfurl the miracle of life again. It is winter and I will wait. I will heal.

2005-08-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

A little over halfway through August. Things seem to be dying right and left in my garden. This is partly because I went out of town for a week and left my dear hubby in charge of watering the few pots that aren't on the drip system. He neglected four of them. I came back to discover brown ratty twigs with clinging vegetation where once bloomed flowers. Oh well. This is life in a garden. No water, no life. To the right is a memorial shot of the plants in their prime. So long star zinnas, petunias and alyssum. Thanks for the memories. Sorry you had to go through slow dehydration. Not a way I'd like to die. But lest anyone think ill of DH, please know that he has many stellar qualities. He does most of the cooking around here and builds amazing structures for the garden. At right is a shot of him standing in the pond he dug by hand in 2001. It's a wonderful oasis now. I will focus on that and forgive the four dead pots.

2005-07-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

This dwarf Korean lilac gives me the fragrance I love in a yard where space is at a premium. Where a normal lilac gets 8 feet or taller, this one maxes out at 4 feet high and wide. It blooms at the side of my pond in my north facing front yard.

What is it about the scent of lilacs in May? It reminds me of grandma, the springs of my teen years, first love. Like Sister Mary Leo sings in Nunsense, "Every time I smell lilacs /I remember my first romance. I was putting on a ballet in my backyard /When I fell in love with the dance." Maybe it's because lilac blooms coincide with the time of spring when things warm up enough to spend comfortable time outside after a winter cooped up indoors. Lilacs always smell alive to me. Alive is something a cancer survivor notices.

Why am I musing about lilacs and spring in the heat of July? Because it's been so hot here all month. After several weeks of 95 plus degree temperatures, my garden is gasping. Even regular waterings can't seem to cool the plants. Their transpiration process has kicked into overdrive...more like crying, begging for relief. And today it was a mild 83, which felt like spring all over again after the last three weeks. And so I thought about lilacs, even though it's the lillies that are blooming now.

2005-07-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's been more than a year since I posted to this blog. Thanks to my good friend, Brian, who steadily encourages me to get back at it. A year changes a lot of things. In January 2005, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I hate writing that down and seeing the word CANCER stare back at me. It's seven months since diagnosis. I have been through the surgery, the chemotherapy, the rotten side-effects which are too numerous and make me too whiney to enumerate. I am now bald and tired, but I am alive and so is my garden.

All during the chemo process, people would tell me to slow down, rest, blah, blah, blah. They usually said this to me after I had spent the day puttering in my garden while they had watched TV inside. What I can't seem to get anyone else to understand, and which I don't really understand myself, is that being in my garden makes me feel better. I can forget the numb hands and feet, the nausea, the metallic taste of everything. I focus instead on the green sprouts pushing their way out of the moist earth, the flowers that so joyously spring from pots and beds, the weeds that try disguising themselves as worthy plants and hide among the keepers.

The weeds. I often think of the cancer as I yank them by their roots. Weeding has become great therapy for me. With each one I grasp and extract, I imagine myself doing so to cancer cells hiding among the worthy flesh. "You're outta there!" And I am getting better. The hair is slowly growing back. I have more days that I'm not tired than days when I am. My garden is healing me.

Another great change this past year is in the family structure. My married daughter, her husband and baby son moved back in with us in September. It's a little crowded and the messes are a little more, but the compensation of their continual company more than makes up for it. Especially Jacob. Jacob, now two, loves to be "outhide" with "Mima". I'm Mima, and he doesn't say his s's very well. (Left is a picture of Jacob and me taken three days before my diagnosis of cancer. I had hair still!) Watering is Jacob's favorite outhide job, followed closely by deadheading and anything that has to do with a "shubble". Finally! Someone who will dig in the dirt with me. He's great company, although I admit I spend a lot of time chasing after him to make sure he's still in the garden, not wandering out the gates or trying to swim in the pond. All of this checking up on him gives me a lot of breaks, which is probably good for me. I've never been terribly smart about pacing myself in the garden.

I promise myself--I'll get back to blogging more regularly. For now though, roses need deadheading, I've got to figure out what to plant now that I ripped out the peas (and the peas were wonderful this year!), and Jacob wants to go outhide.

2004-05-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

I sat on the porch and watched the fish this morning. It was a goldfish orgy in my pond. I’ve never seen the likes—menage e trios, fish swapping and more as the little gold, white and black flecked bodies undulated all over each other and the algae. I’m hoping there won’t be a fish population explosion. I may be finally forced to calculate how many fish can stay healthy in my 8,000 gallon pond.

Speaking of algae, it’s out of control. I’ve five water lilies, a stand of yellow flags (water iris), miniature cattails, corkscrew reeds, variegated iris and parrot plant and thriving, but it’s not anywhere near the 70% shade level needed to control the algae. I better get some UV blocker dye right away before it gets totally out of balance in there.

I broke the last weir on the waterfall a week ago. I was balanced precariously on slippery stones reaching to pluck errant sunflowers--who thought it might be fun to grow in the stream—when the precarious side overcame the balance part and I kerplunked forward onto the granite flagstone that was cemented in place as the final cascade from waterfall to pond. And now a week later dear hubby has gone golfing twice and still not found the time to set a new stone in place. The serendipity of the whole accident? We were always disappointed that the weir stone was really too short for the opening, so we “spliced” in two smaller flagstones on either side. This time DH decided to get the right size stone. He did at least make it to the stone store (quarry, yard?) on Saturday. I do believe I will encourage him with all my might tomorrow to get it set in place.

2004-05-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

The harder I work in my garden, the less I post…but never enough “thyme”, eh? Working full time leaves me only a half hour or so in the morning and a couple of hours in the evening if I’m up to it. I can’t even visit all my plant friends in that limited time frame—so the work is left for Saturday. For instance, last Saturday, I got into the garden at 7:00 AM and finally went in at 8:00 PM. That would be against the law for an employer to extract that sort of labor with no breaks, but in my garden I’m mesmerized, rejuvenated and relaxed, even as the sweat runs into my eyes and the twinges in my back remind me I’m "plenty-nine" years old. During the week I can spend a few Zen hours watering or plucking an errant plant here or there…those things some might call weeds. Here is what I learn when watering: it’s good to be fluid. Flow into the spaces that present themselves and refresh the life around you. Seems a good metaphor to live by. The picture is of my nieces Kaylee and Lizzie enjoying the fluid nature of the stream in my front yard.

2004-04-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today I am sunburned. Every year I tell myself I'll be smarter and not stay out so long early in the spring when my skin is pale and vulnerable from a winter of staying indoors. But the garden pulls me and I can't say no. Things are growing! In the season of dividing the living from the dead, I am the Gardener who clears away the crust of winter’s grip. I’m in the garden by 8:00 AM on Saturday, intending to work for a few hours. But suddenly I blink and the sun is low in the western sky. I scurry to finish planting pansies, haul one more load of compost. People think me crazy, but truly, I am entranced by my garden. Meaning the hours flow by without my noticing—I must be in some sort of altered state of consciousness. Who in their right mind is revived by 10 hours or more of hard labor? Only a gardener. When I come in, my feet ache, my mouth is dry and my hands are slowly desiccating. I know the month of the year by the amount of dirt permanently embedded at the sides of my nail and the cracks in my fingers. I am a gardener. Today is the Sabbath and I am usually at church. A day of rest. I believe in that firmly, but today was General Conference for my church and regular meetings aren’t held. I thought I’d only plant a flat of pansies I didn’t get to last night, so I plugged in the radio to listen to Conference and before I knew it, it was 4:00 P.M.. I planted the pansies, dug up and transplanted hollyhocks and divided and potted up perennials to exchange at a plant swap this week. Some in my faith might say I broke the Sabbath. But God and I walked together in my garden today. Maybe He’ll forgive me.

2004-03-30T20:18:00.000-08:00

I've been pruning my roses. I never think about how many I have in my 1/4 acre yard--until I start to prune. There are twenty-six roses scattered through the yard. I'm not one for the formal, stiff looking "rose garden". My roses hold their own among the hollyhocks, daises, zinnias, lambs ear, chives, and hundreds of other plants woven into my cottage-garden style flowerbeds. I can't really call them borders, because in the traditional sense of the word, I have no border. I have no lawn. I only have planting areas massed with flowers, a 20 foot by 12-foot vegetable plot and paths, patios and porches. But I digress...back to the roses.

I have six climbers--two in back, four in the front. The photo to the left is of my climbing New Dawn in the back. I also have three David Austen antique English roses, four hybrid teas, seven miniature roses, five in pots and one tree rose (a standard form of a tea). Twenty-six all together! Well, alas, twnety-fix now--no tree rose I must confess...because I've decided the tree rose is D.U.S.... Dead Upon Spring. Sigh. I always lusted after a tree rose, splurged last year and the thing succumbed to winterkill. Should I have put him in the ground instead of a large pot? Should I have burlaped and coddled the poor critter? Well then, away with him! I don't have the time or patience for high-maintenance plants. (Sandra, my good friend, says I should call myself The Ruthless Gardener.) I'll try another tree rose this spring and then see what next year brings. Ah, the eternal optimism of the gardener.
I've been pruning off and on for three weeks now. My arms and hands are in a continual state of scratched dishabille. In the War of the Roses, I’m never sure if I’m victorious until the first blooms spill their fragrance in the early summer air. But still I perform the yearly triage—a dead branch here, a broken one there, and worst of all the healthy one growing in the totally wrong direction. It’s thorns in my heart to cull those wildly growing but WRONG shoots, but ruthless I am and ruthless I’ll stay.

2004-03-26T18:15:00.000-08:00

It rained today. This is a good thing in March after nearly three weeks of record temperatures. Not middle of desert scorch temperatures we get in July, but still. It was something more decadent feeling--70 degrees in mid-March! The bulbs, like wine-muddled debutantes the day after the ball, stretch luxuriously towards the warmth. Crocuses have come and gone, brief flashes of light in the gray mornings of early spring, and now the daffodils nod to the pansies at their feet, beckoning the tulips to hurry and dance in the sun.
And then rain came today, gray and cold, reminding us that March at the feet of the mountains is meant to morph winter to spring with a slow grace. We’ve forgotten that this year, the bulbs and I. I’ve had to remind the daffodils, those sad ladies bending their cup faces to the ground today, mourning the loss of the sun. I’ve told them to think of the peas in the vegetable garden and to be patient. April’s grace isn’t far away.

2004-03-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

I have to give credit to Brian F., my muse (or would that be bluse?) for inspiring me to share my garden views with the world. I'll think of my views later, but for now, I'm seeing if this is set up right and people can find it. Today the crocus are dying back but the daffodils are out and pansies are turning their leonine faces to the sun. It's March. It's spring--the season of beginnings.